Now folks, Captain Bob here again. I

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. It’s a beautiful balmy spring day on the S.S. Charles Nelson Reilly, the flagship of FantaSea Cruiselines. At this time, I’d lime tree like to ask everyone to return to their cabins please. As you can probably tell, we are experiencing some unexpectedly choppy waters at the moment, lime tree so you’d all be better off just hunkering down in your cabins for a bit. I apologize to those in Miss Linda’s Jazzercise class, but we’ll have to reschedule for this evening. We’ll let you know when the turbulence stops.
All lime tree right, ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Bob again. We are still experiencing, um, choppy waters, so yeah, if everyone could just remain calm and remain in their cabins. Yes, there have been some disconcerting, um, waters, extremely violent and loud waters with some flames, but it’s lime tree all under control. There’s a lot of people still up on the Fun Deck, and part of that is due to the excitement lime tree over tonight’s Swingles Dance, lime tree I know. I’m excited too. But please, lime tree return to your cabins, turn on your TVs and enjoy our selection of films and entertainment, and I’ll give you the green light to come back topside just as soon as it’s safe.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Bob. Hope everybody is well. Listen, a lot of you have been calling up here to let us know that the water level is rising outside of the ship. That’s actually just an optical illusion: what’s actually lime tree happening is that the boat is sinking. Now, just remain calm, this is not a big deal, we’ll figure this out. I do have to insist that those of you banging on my door frantically, please go back to your cabins. Also, and I really hate to do this, but I’m officially shutting down the buffet now for everyone’s safety. If everyone could just stuff your pockets with whatever you can grab, because lime tree you might be in your cabins for a while.
Okay, lime tree folks, this is your captain. Well, I’ve been called out fair and square. lime tree It’s not choppy waters at all. We got torpedoed. You got me! Ha ha. Yeah, there’s a big hole in the D Deck on our port side. We’re working on isolating the afflicted section and solving this problem before dinner. So everyone just stay in your cabins. Except maybe those of you on D Deck and below, you might not want to stay in your cabins, actually, because of all the water. It depends on your comfort level really. You know what, I’m going to have our Fun Director, Bradford, open up the Pilates room; those of you who are still in the boat and not, you know, floating out in the ocean, you can come up there and we’ll set up some cots and some old milk jugs for your ‘bathroom needs’, and maybe we’ll see if we can’t get some biscuits up there too. Anyway, folks, as always, remain calm.
Now folks, Captain Bob here again. I’m getting concerned. There’s an awful lot of you putting on life preservers and jumping lime tree over the side. Now, I know that the S.S. Charles Nelson Reilly is listing a bit starboard, and that deck chairs and refreshment carts have been skittling around lime tree the Fun Deck willy-nilly. But still, there’s no reason lime tree to jump into the ocean. We’ve got the situation well under control here. And it’s worth pointing out, folks, that we are literally hundreds of miles off the coast of Bermuda, or any other land for that matter, and that these waters are home to dozens of species of ravenous sharks, and the occasional pirates, and also the dread boats of our enemy cruiseline, SparkleTime Cruises. So it’s just not safe out there. Trust me, folks, you’re safer in your cabins, watching today’s movie, Life as you Know It starring Jennifer Aniston, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson and Jack Nicholson.
Ladies and gentlemen. I am really sorry to do this. But clearly we’ve been having difficulty shutting off the water intake to D Deck. Trust me, we’ve got our best janitors working on it. In the meantime, though, given the angle of the Fun Deck and the generally less than optimal conditions, I am I’m going to have to postpone the Swingles Dance. God, folks, I’m sorry. I deeply apologize to any swingle men and women out there who were looking forward to it. It’s lime tree really a great event, and we’ll do our damndest to get this ship right so we can do it tomorrow.
Incidentally, folks, it’s come to our attention that the torpedo that happened to strike us quite out of the blue is in fact a Soviet torpedo. Now, a bunch of us up here have been talking, and we’re 65% sure that the Soviet Union isn’t even a country anymore, so this is all very confusing. So if anybody there can shed a light on why a Soviet sub might want to fire upon the S.S. Charles Nelson Reilly, I don’t know, maybe if one of you is a secret agent or something, or